There was a time I had a very definite grip on my identity. Life was well orchestrated and defined. Living was a point-by-point, goal-by-goal, walk through the world. Some things went the “way they were supposed to” and some things didn’t. I had successes and failures, curses and blessings, the back and forth, up and down’s of life. Normal, typical, day-to-day was the chosen way. I had no big questions of what else might exist beyond how I saw life and the world. I was not particularly religious or spiritual nor was I very interested in such things. Not against it, not for it, I really didn’t care. The world was interesting enough to keep me busy and engaged. As the years rolled on the world got smaller, relative of course, and my attention got less interested in the status quo. I was doing what I wanted, living my choices but not actually aware that what I was living was a choice; not really, life just was what it was by no particular responsibility of mine. Then one day my not so aware little bubble began to crack. There is no specific event that I can pick out of my story but I began to feel restless, unsure, frustrated with the “way things are supposed to” be. This made for some more compelling conversations with friends around what we were doing with our lives, could there be more that we are missing out on? Deep inside me an empty space was developing, a longing feeling that I didn’t understand and that feeling pushed on the restless and anxious feelings that kept coming around in my mind.
Some friends turned to religion, some to sports, some to making more money, some to sex, some including me to getting high and rebellious toward our “way it’s supposed to be “ lives. I was stuck. Trapped in a personal world of my own making that had become a cage. Not literally of course but energetically and consciously. That business should be the point in life philosophy turned to mud, as there was more masks on the people than a New Orleans carnival and the dynamics became more like predator and prey than working together to do something worthwhile in life. As my personal reality cracked the scene got weirder and weirder and I had no clue what was happening to me as I was now living from reactions rather than choices and judgments and anger were my constant companion. What I used to keep me entertained in my not so supposed to be world became an addiction to drugs, a drug anyway. I was lost in a matrix of my own making with no idea how to get out. Of course when you’re lost in an addiction there is another “supposed to be” way to address that so I chose, an actual real choice, to go to Rehab. At least Rehab felt new as I was made aware for the first time in my life, in a very real way, just how twisted life in this world really is behind the supposed to be’s and masks.
I had never known how terrible people could be to each other, how sick and mean and deep the wounds of humanity ran. I heard and witnessed so much of the truth of what was going on behind the masks of our culture and the propped up identities of our beliefs and religions. This really blew the supposed to be world up and opened me up to wonder what the hell are we doing, what is life really about anyway. The official story was far more lies than truth and the way out for me was clearly not the supposed to be recovery story. I was not interested in falling back into someone else’s version of what I might do to now be good enough as a “recovering “ person. No more matrix, no more life by identity and judgment I was determined to question everything and find something that was not a punishment and reward Pavlov’s dog reality.
I began reading books, all kinds of books that offered different views on life and living. From Buddhist to Christian, Hindu, Shamanic, Celtic, A Course In Miracles, Life after Death, E.T.’s, whatever looked interesting. This was a great process as I was in a place of not believing anything official and my new passion was for something that actually felt REAL to me. A piece of this and a bit of that I gathered points of view and ideas on Life and Creation that I could hold up to my lens of experience to see if it fit or not.
What had started as a train wreck in my life had become a door way to waking up to so much more than “supposed to be” ever had to offer. I was inspired and hungry for life. It was funny to me that the people who had taken the official recovery road had no use for someone who would not tow the party line so my journey was destined to be authentic as I was not welcome to take refuge in that respite. Life was answering my new found prayers for a bigger life with more to live for than being good enough. This was not an easy way to go. I had my share of lonely and scared and I also began to trust my own feelings and Heart, as they were my only constant companions. As life would have it I was introduced to the idea that our lives are an awake dream, a reality held in each individuals mind unique to that person and having the qualities ascribed to by that person. Being a dream we hold the power to bring the energy and life force we choose to our reality, our dream, and we are 100% responsible for what we choose, how we react and how we live in relation to our worlds dream. Dreaming my life became my practice, my dharma. Life responded.
There are as many views on life as there are people living life. We all have our shot at it. The bottom line for me is there is no “supposed to be” anything. Life has given each of us a chance to make what we will from what we inherit being born into this world and that’s all any of us have, a chance. How we respond is our individual business, it’s also our individual responsibility. Hell and Heaven are both ours for the creating and we are working towards one or the other most of the time, know it or not. Life is on our side even when we aren’t. Many blessings await those who have the guts to go for it. May your Dreams come true, not like they are supposed too, but as you are willing to dream them.
